Always aim at the complete harmony of thought and word and deed. Always aim at purifying your thoughts and everything will be well.
I never let the past catch up to me. So busy running as fast as i could. Claimed to be unaffected due to strength. I fooled everyone including myself. I was on my way with the same pattern. But God used him to stop me. The lessons i claimed to comprehend were not sticking, each mistake numbed me further. Quote worthy lessons i preached were only surface realizations. Ran so fast they just rolled off of me. Never sinking in. Never allowed them to go deep enough to rearrange me on the inside. Thought i was strong because i endured so much… but turns out ignorance isn’t strength. Strength only comes through acceptance. Love only comes through acceptance. Joy only comes through acceptance. God only comes through acceptance and acceptance through God’s God’s forgiving Love. Finally allowing myself to stop… and feel… feel the pain and agony of my past, allowing it to pierce me with each memory and consequence. I allowed myself to go into the depth of my darkness until i found my light. And though I’d buried her so far because she illuminates everything and nothing goes unnoticed. I couldn’t bear to hear her crying and telling me i was wrong and that my every move was in reaction to pain which lead me back to its familiar grasp. She cried so loud i had to just shut her up. I silenced her. But she never died. Just because you pretend something is not real, doesn’t mean it’s true. The fact that you can even imagine it makes the thing real. For what are real things but once someone’s imagination. Even us as creations. But I’ve found her. We battled. She was hurt and abused and sad and abandoned. Every wrong the world did to me, i did right back to her. I did it to myself. Light is truth. Even if i tried i could not destroy the truth inside of me. I resented it but it stayed lit and will forever be despite the habit i formed of turning away from it. I can’t run from myself anymore. Now that i am coming out of my darkness, ive found myself in a place I’d never imagined or could have imagined. I will forever work towards being in harmony with my inner light. I’ve missed you. An act of true love. Now that i have accepted my past and the consequences I live with, i will focus my life in a direction which will list my story as both a warning and an example. A bittersweet melody that comforts any soul that is lost. Ill mean it when i say “if someone like me can do it, anyone can.” Ill be the voice i yearned to hear growing up and still growing now. Thank you Lord for holding me hand in the midst of my darkness. Thank you for the lessons. Thank you for the pain. Thank you for the enlightenment. Thank you thank you thank you with everything that i am.
“A woman evaluates her relationship differently at different times in her cycle, and her evaluation seems to be colored by how sexually attractive she perceives her partner to be,” said Martie Haselton, a professor of psychology and communication studies at UCLA and senior author of the study.
Guilt, Regret & Shame.
I just don’t know what to do. I can never do anything “right.” There are so many different sides of “right”… right? Right. So I’ll just write. Write until the feeling of numbness takes over my exterior while inside I’m allowed to have a pool of imperfection that inspires “welllllll”‘s. I’ll allow my mind to conspire as my heart just wallows in the eerie echoes of painful memories ricocheting within its chambers. The past will be the past, they say. But it’s the only thing solid and worthy of trust… what kind of seeds am I harvesting today… seeds that were seemingly healthy yet are bearing the wrong fruit. Living and Loving a Lie. Have I come to a place I didn’t design myself? Being disillusioned requires me re-aligning myself.
My past continues to haunt me.
My Past Continues to Haunt me.
I’ve generally used my blog as a private-ish (private in the sense that I’ve never told anyone that I know about it) place to kind of post random moments of inspiration (pictures, video’s blah blah.) Well, now since “necessity is the mother of invention” my new inner-desire to capture each day has made it necessary to find a place of documentation… and my inner-self won’t let me settle for writing in my trusty notebook (she goes wherever I go) or on an encrypted word document… Self has asked me to be a little more daring and share my days and thoughts on my blog… I don’t have to go announcing this but I HAVE to make my findings about life accessible to some internet gangstas who will either defend or destroy my thoughts… only in this way will I find out more about myself and maybe even a few other people as well. I will reflect on my blog posts on a weekly, monthly, and yearly basis.
Some days I’ll be more profound than others lol The only commitment I am making to my “self” is that I will post at least one thought on here every day. IF things are a little too private then I will just have to do some extra writing on the side.
Awkward angle + looked at the mirror instead of the camera- buttt I felt pwetty 💁 #nofilter #selfie #face #bigface #lipstick #friday #beat #happy #glowing